Why I Hate the North

I HATE IOWA.

Actually just the north in general.

It's cold. It's ugly. Winter lasts for 6 months and there's only like 3 or 4 months of beautiful blooming plants and time to tan and swim. The people here don't have cute drawls when they speak. They don't have that southern charm. 

Now to the things I hate in which I feel I must type in caps lock. 

THEY CANNOT COOK. THESE DANG YANKEES CAN. NOT. COOK.
THERE IS NOT SWEET TEA AT EVERY RESTAURANT.
THERE ARE HARDLY ANY POPEYES!!!!!!!!
(OR GOOD FRIED CHICKEN PLACES OR BARBECUE PLACES.)
THEY GUYS HERE ALL HAVE BUZZ CUTS AND NOT CUTE LONGER HAIR LIKE THEY ALL DO IN THE SOUTH.
NOBODY KNOWS WHAT FRIED OKRA OR GRITS ARE. (IGNORANT YANKEES WHO DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT REAL FOOD!!!)
PEOPLE WEAR SHORTS WHEN IT IS 40 DEGREES OUT.

Whew. That felt good. Now I'll continue.

Not everyone has a gun! You get judged if you have a rebel flag on anything (or everything). Not everyone goes to church like they do down there.

 It snows. A lot. 

Like really, I'd be fine if it snowed for a week or two over Christmas, but FIVE OR SIX MONTHS?! No. It is (technically) SPRING. THERE IS SNOW ON THE GROUND. And then there's these fools wearing shorts all around and breaking out their flip-flops as soon as it's over 32!

The houses here are ugly. They're all plastic siding with no brick and hardly any wood. The dirt is sand. Not clay. Your car gets rusty from all the salt and ice and slush from the endless winter. There are no beaches. Palo does NOT count. There are too many tight neighborhoods where you can reach out your window and touch your neighbor's house. There isn't hanging moss from the trees. There's just not enough trees in general. I mean, I love corn but I hate cornfields and that's all I see here. The land is just boring and flat. There are tiny hills. There's no mountains or huge lakes in Iowa. There's no cliffs or sharp zigzag roads. The cars here suck. In the south there are soooo many mustangs, which I love. Everyone wears cowboy boots and all the men hunt. Did I mention how good the food is there? 

I need to leave.