So yesterday was homecoming. For us girls, the dance is just a small fraction of the whole big deal of Homecoming. Here is the process of getting ready for a homecoming dance from just the average Jessie.
1. Find yourself a date. If you say "I don't need/want a date" you're probably lying and your sad self just needs to get to the realization that you in fact do want someone to buy your meal and hold your purse for you. Get your booty out there for the men to ask. You can start by choosing a male to ask you. Make sure he has nice abs and has a sexy car. Next, follow him around. Everywhere. Even into the bathroom. Make sure he likes your cats and isn't afraid to take them for rides in his sexy car even if they pee. Start talking to him about the homecoming game. Ask him if he's going. The exact time he will arrive. Who he's going to sit by. What color he's going to wear-including his shoelaces and underwear. How tall he'll be. Stuff like that. Keep the conversation going even if it's totally random. Then talk about how homecoming is the next day. Ask him if he's going. If he says no, ask him why. If he says because he doesn't have anyone to go with, SEIZE THIS OPPORTUNITY WOMEN! Say, "Oh.. me neither.. so I might just end up going with friends I guess..." If he doesn't proceed to ask you, you're either ugly, or he's a wimp and needs punched by a gorilla. If you're ugly, plaster on the makeup like you're Adam Lambert. If he needs punched by a gorilla, invite him to the zoo and throw him in the cage. If he still doesn't ask you, lower your standards. Maybe you will only get super nice abs and a semi-nice car. But don't let that bring your hopes down! You can always force him to spend his college savings on a nice Porsche later!
2. Get a dress. This may come before #1, but either way you need a dress. When you go about getting this dress, make sure you know what color looks absolutely horrid on you if your date is the gorilla-punch type of guy. Then buy that color so your date is inclined to tell you you look nice and you feel good about yourself even though you look like poo. If your problem is you're ugly and you don't want to go that route, find a dress that looks like a mirrored glass building in Chicago. Lots of sequins and sparkles so you just shine and no one will notice your face. Looking like a hooker is always acceptable to avoid anyone noticing you. Maybe you just want to wear some reflectors on there or throw some neon on your dress so you really fade into the background. Then make sure you get some 7 inch heels so you can be taller than your date and have a great time walking or dancing. They also help with the whole "hooker" idea.
3. Make sure your date knows what to wear. If you're wearing bright pink, so will he. No questions asked. Just tell him, because really, they do not give a flying squirrel about what they wear. If they don't know how to pick out their own clothes, take them and show them the nice Gucci tie you expect them to buy.
4. Go tanning. Whether you go to the tanning beds, or just get a spray tan, your goal should always be to look like a carrot. If you use the beds make sure you use the "bronzing" lotion, about 5 layers before you get in should do. Then go every day for 20 minutes so you have some nice wrinkly hands by the time of the dance. If you're getting a spray tan, you should wait until right before the dance, then get the darkest color they have so you look like you just came back from Hawaii with a natural orange glow about you.
5. Get your nails done. If you do them yourself, good luck because I for one, suck at painting my nails. If you go get them done and get fake ones, tell the nice foreign woman to leave the tips as long as she can just in case you need to scratch or claw any other chick who tries to talk to your date. Make sure they are sparkly and match your dress. If the foreign woman doesn't understand what you want and does it wrong, make her start all over for free and do not give her a tip.
6. Do your hair and make up. Before the dance, bleach the absolute crap out of your hair. It'll go great with your florescent orange skin! If you don't have time to do that, just utilize your hair spray and the "poof." Aka, the "Snooki Poof." That's basically the look you wanna go after for homecoming, Snooki. Make sure you have super long fake eyelashes and use a whole eyeliner pencil. Add glitter all over your eyelids and maybe some inside of your eyes as well. Or, you can always get your hair and makeup done, just make sure you stress to them that you want to look like you came off a street corner in St. Louis. This whole process of hair and make up can take anywhere from 3-17 hours.
7. When your date arrives. Wait about 20 minutes to go out and say hi, even if you're completely ready. This will impress him and he will have an opportunity to meet his future in-laws while he's waiting around for you. Once you come out, give him a long linger hug that lasts for about 5 minutes and "accidentally" smear your makeup all across his shirt. If he doesn't tell you how dang smokin' hot you look, say, "how do I look?" so that he HAS to say good, otherwise he looks like a jerk and you'll just kick him out on the streets. Get out his boutonniere, and if you don't know how to put it on you should probably watch a how-to video. If you're too good for that, just risk stabbing him in the nipple or have a parent awkwardly put it on him. Next take pictures. Guys love having their picture taken, so make sure this goes on for a good hour or so, plus pictures at the dance. Do every pose you can think of, and take 20 shots of all of those poses. As your about to leave, stand outside of his sexy car until he opens the door for you.
8. Make sure you have dinner plans. If he doesn't care where you go, not that it matters, make a reservation for the most expensive place in town. Hey, he's paying right?! Order spaghetti, because everyone eats that so gracefully. You can also do the whole Lady and the Tramp thing and share a noodle. Dinner is also a good time for some pre-dance flirting. Tell him he looks like a small rodent when he eats, or you love the way he sticks his tongue out before taking a bite. These are sure to get you a kiss later on. ;)
9. At the dance. I'm not going to go into great detail on this one, but make sure to take your shoes off so you can get cray-cray on the dance floor and get some good ole' foot fungus or step in something nasty. Then make your date give you a foot massage later. Be sure to forget your student i.d. so you have to sweet talk your way into the dance or sneak in. It adds to the excitement of the night! If your date sucks at dancing, ditch them and then show them how awesome you are by dancing with everyone else. During slow dances, make eye contact the whole time without blinking to really keep the mood.
Anyway, have fun!
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